Embarrassing

Celebrations were notoriously fantastic at my old job. We partied on the less appreciated holidays in crazy and unique ways, and Cinco de Mayo 2008 was fantastic. I wrote about that day on my blog once, proclaiming my excitement over winning the limbo contest and also the group dance contest. But somehow I left out some important details that I feel I must relay now, for posterity’s sake. 

My group performed an original piece to Madonna’s “Holiday” in which we all dressed up like obscure holidays and did solos. I was Labor Day, so naturally I dressed like a pregnant woman. I wore a dress with some jeans and stuck a big sweatshirt up my dress to give me a belly. My group knew the basics of what I’d do for my solo, but the particulars I kept as a surprise. The particulars were a plastic baby doll that I also shoved up my dress, under the sweatshirt. I’d recently learned some killer moves in my breakdancing class, so my plan was this: Hobble out to the center of the floor while supporting my back, as if I’m having labor pains, and then all of a sudden bust out some funk. Everyone loves a pregnant chick getting down. I wanted to do some stalls and a backspin, you know, the usual stuff. 

Proper backspin technique 

None of this was any big shocker, but then for the finale I wanted to circle around behind my group and secretly remove the baby doll from my dress so I could sort of slide it across the floor while I hit my final pose, like “Ta da, I just dance-delivered my baby!” Mind you, I never conceived (heh heh, get it? Conceived?) of trying to pantomime a delivery or anything like that—I was just supposed to magically appear with a baby comin' atcha.

 That was the plan.

And it went off without a hitch, as far as I was concerned. I was busting a move. I was breakdancing. I was backspinning like a freaking pregnant champion. I was getting big laughs from the spectators (read: entire company) standing all around the perimeter of the room. And then, when I tossed my baby out at the end of it all, the big laughs just kept rolling. I mean, these were BIG laughs. I remember thinking “Man, easy crowd today.” I knew I was incredibly entertaining and everything, but…they were laughing really hard.

 And then they were all coming up to me, patting my back and still laughing so hard they couldn’t talk. Some of them had really big eyes and shocked expressions while laughing. Some of them wouldn’t look at me. Did I mention my dad was one of the co-worker spectators? He was one of the ones who wouldn’t look at me. So…I got a little suspicious. 

“How did you pull that off?” asked one of my friends (who couldn’t talk much through her laughter), saying she couldn’t believe I would do that. “Which part?” I asked, wondering if she meant my dance moves, my acting skills, or what.  It’s a weird situation to find yourself in, wondering why people are laughing extra hard at something you know is funny but not that funny. You know?

So, in short, what I gathered was this:

While I was busy busting a move, my unborn baby doll was making her way down the “birth canal” somewhat. So, when I got down and did my triumphant backspin, well…her two little legs were visible. Between my legs. And since the very nature of a backspin requires you to spin around several times, I was giving a 360º shot of this image to everybody in the room several times. To summarize: Unbeknownst to me, I put myself in a position quite similar to a birthing position, and then I sweetened the deal by having a replica of my unborn baby placed just so. And then I proceeded to display that nearly obscene scene to everybody I worked with. Including my dad.

 I swear, I didn’t do it on purpose. And that’s what made it even worse. Everyone thought it was a calculated effort. And why wouldn’t they? It all adds up as a successful attempt to totally gross out everyone in the room, which is pretty fitting for a lot of our office parties. Most people thought I was just really gutsy for doing it, but there were definitely those (dad) who were completely disgusted. Have I mentioned that my former bishop was my boss?  Wouldn’t you like to graphically pretend to give birth in front of your bishop and your dad? Me too. 

Anyway, I still cringe when I think about it, even though I think it’s so funny. My mind just doesn’t quite allow me to picture the full scene because I’m so ashamed. I swear, it wasn’t on purpose.

 Papa don't preach

I'm in trouble deep

Papa don't preach

I've been losing sleep

but I made up my mind

I'm..keeping my baby

Ooh I'm gonna keep my baby