Friday, March 21, 2008

If nothing else, painful experiences are conducive to thoughtful expression. So….All-aboard the Thought Train! Woot-woot!

I want to discuss how it is that our vision becomes blurred without our knowledge…or at least without our conscious permission. I find that even though I’m getting older and seemingly wiser, I’m not getting better at controlling the blinders that come for the duration of my experiences. Even while I’m practicing practicality, I’m only thinking clearly enough to make my own reality—a reality that becomes truly clear only when I’m looking back. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I’m redefining what that means…I’ve always thought it was like looking back on that stock purchase you should have made, that “near miss” that seems so logical now that everything has played out. I now think it means that once the smoke has cleared and the dust has settled, I can see with unforgiving clarity all the facets of an experience that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, see before. This is not always an enjoyable process. Having your actions thrown into sharp focus is somewhat painful, if you’re honest. No room for delusions, excuses, or benefit of the doubt. Suddenly I can see how much I fight and push for the things I want, and how much I convince myself that it’s going my way, when the signs throughout are telling the truth more succinctly than my mind will allow.

I have to declare myself as an internal optimist, then. Because I apparently hope for and expect things that aren’t happening, right up until the bitter end. My heart is only convinced of the reality of my failures when there’s no possible room for doubt left—I suppose that’s a good thing in some ways, but I can’t help but wonder….if I didn’t try so hard sometimes to make things so, could I relax and just let them happen? Would they happen? And if they didn’t happen, is that any worse than convincing myself that they are happening, only to experience that crash, that wind-knocked-out-of-me feeling that comes when reality sets in? They say the higher you climb, the farther you fall. Well, I better start investing in a safety net, because I’m not going to stop climbing anytime soon. I would, however, like to be able to better recognize when I have steps to cling to, rather than inventing them. Amazing how high one can climb on imagined ladders—Thank goodness the ground below isn’t imagined as well, since I seem to need that plummeting to wake me up. Wicked says it best: “Don’t dream too far—don’t lose sight of who you are.”

There’s really no point in analyzing it, since I’ve already pointed out that it’s beyond my control. I so fervently wish that it weren't. But I wouldn’t know what to do with that ability if I had it. I don’t know that I’ll ever find that balance between hoping for good, preparing for bad, expecting reality, protecting myself, and remaining open to all possibilities. I’ve never learned how to juggle.

*Note: I realize this may seem like a depressing post. And it is. I apologize. Happiness must be tempered by opposition in order to exist, right? Happiness MUST be tempered by opposition in order to exist…And I’m still having the time of my life ☺

Monday, March 17, 2008


Please come to the after-funeral. June 14th.