Driving Tips

Anyone who’s driven with me knows I’m no fantastic driver. So, I offer this advice not as an expert but as one who spends WAY too much time in the car. Today, all my sad experience benefits humanity. You’re welcome.

On food:
—The following foods are not good to eat while driving, as they carry a high risk of getting all over you and your car, and/or causing accidents: 
1) Ice cream cones
2) bowls of cereal (it is recommended that passengers also abstain from eating cereal, since quick braking or the accidental jumping of curbs might send milk flying everywhere)
3) waffles with peanut butter all melted on them
4) oranges (or any fruit you have to peel)
5) Nerds
6) Anything you have to dip
Oh, and large tacos are not easily consumed during the span of one red light. The inevitable “cram” session will result in some thoroughly amazed/disgusted onlookers.

Manuevering:
—In California and Utah: Do not wait for somebody to let you in. If you see about 2 feet of space, just violently jerk your car over and let the chips fall where they may. Never, under any circumstances, use your blinker. This only serves to indicate your next move and increase the unwillingness of the drivers around you to let you make that move.
—If you accidently cut off a car full of Mexican men, get the heck out of there. You do NOT want them to catch up to you later and throw a water balloon or something at your car, because you will think it’s a gunshot. You are racist. The resulting imagined paralysis is not good for your motor skills (which you desperately need when driving), and you will forever carry with you a haunting fear of Ogden that makes it difficult to be friends with Bruce.

Personal Hygiene/Grooming:
—If you choose to pick your nose and throw it out the window, don’t fool yourself that people don’t know what you’re doing. Everybody knows. It’s the freeway—the air is filled with exhaust, so it’s not quite balmy enough for you to be casually letting your hand rest slightly outside your window.
—When changing clothing in the car, do not park in front of your Stake President’s house, or near a playground. Especially if underclothes are involved, because sports bras and/or tights are difficult to manage in the driver’s seat, no matter how far you’ve reclined.
—Your eyeliner is best applied elsewhere. Forget the risk of not actually looking at the road you're driving on; those lines will not be straight or even make it to your eyes.

Bugs in car:
—When a spider suddenly starts crawling up the window right next to you, on the inside, the only course of action is to continue driving while leaning dangerously to the right and awkwardly cranking the manual window open with your left hand. You then might have to brace yourself and flick the offending bug through the opened window. Then breathe.

—If you should happen to have a bee in your car, heaven help you.

The best way to react is probably to steer your car to the nearest grassy knoll and jump out, a la Jenny Morrow. The car will keep going and probably kill someone, but at least that flying demon won’t sting you.

General conduct:
—Sing really loud and dance violently while driving. This not only enhances your drive; it serves as entertainment for those weary drivers all around you.

—Should you decide to play a joke on your friend in another car that involves removing your shirt so her homophobia is thoroughly piqued, make sure that her car is the one that pulls up next to you at the red light. If it isn’t, just sit there casually as if you always drive in your bra and bra alone, instead of clumsily attempting to replace your shirt while still wearing a seat belt.

—Just because you can’t see other drivers when their headlights are shining directly on you does not mean they can’t see you. In fact, they can see you very well. So if you are yelling obscenities at them, violently shaking your head as if to escape the bright lights, or throwing any sort of hand gestures in their direction, they will see this. They will then look at you like you should be committed.

That concludes this week’s lesson. I hope it has been educational!