Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Fisher of men

Confession: I have been boy crazy my entire life.

This statement, of course, comes as shocking to nobody who knows me. Being a boy crazy girl has its perks, you know: I always have someone(s) to talk about, think about, dress up for, get excited about, analyze, etc. And I always had little boyfriends growing up (before junior high happened). Even now the laws of statistics determine that with so many objects of my affection, I'm bound to get at least a little flirting in every coupla days or so. But I'm thinking today about some of dark sides of crushing (gosh, that word "crushing" should really only have dark sides when you think about it).

The ratio of nets cast into the waters of love compared to actual fishes caught is alarming. I figure that over the years I've invested some of my heart in roughly...435 boys (15 per year x 29 years) and I've ended up having that affection returned roughly...75 times. And of those who've returned my affections, only maybe 15-20 of those have netted a relationship of some sort. Don't question these numbers, by the way--it's science.

So, to sum up:
Boys desired: 435
Boys desiring me: 75
Boys following through with desire and actually dating me: 15

I'm batting a 3% rate of return on this particular investment.

Now, maybe if this were a money market account, I could feel good about that. But it's not, and I don't. So, math whizzes, life coaches, summoners of the dark arts (Jenny Morrow), ask yourselves what you would do in my position. I need to boost my rate of return to, say, 100%. No big deal.

I have questions:
--I'm still young, so the finance guys say "take risks". Done, doing, will do, thank you. Does that mean I cast more nets? More and more and more nets?
--The emotionally scarred would say that a heart can only be fragmented so many times before it ceases to function (actually, I'm pretty sure doctors would say that too), so perhaps the best course of action is to pull in the line and work on patching up the leaky spots until I'm in safer waters. ?
--Economists will tell me to use not more nets, but better ones. Part of my problem is that I run around gleefully throwing around anything that remotely looks like a net and then I might catch a little fishie who remains caught only long enough to find the nearest hole and wriggle away. Or, sometimes when I'm on a roll I'll catch too many fish in one net and, a la the Faithless Disciples, my net breaks and sends them all a-scurrying. How does one improve the net?
--I think most people would probably tell me to never, ever take an analogy this far.

Sigh. You're right. Maybe I just need to grow up and realize that it's possible to choose who to invest in, and that not having crushes on everything male with a heartbeat is something to consider. But even as I think that I feel sad, like a huge part of me would just be snuffed out by the part of me that finds it prudent to be cold and unfeeling and careful. NEVER! Ahem. Never.

Hummmuna hummuna hmmmm.....
Meh. I think probably I have less control over this than I think I do. I am me and apparently, that means I am a fisher of men. Analogy back on, yo.


Katherine Lewis said...

Don't you dare try to change your ways. I have a crush on 'boy crazy Stef'. And, I loved watching you dress to impress. I always wished I had the courage, confidence, and moves that you have. What you have is a gift. Don't hide it under a bushel.

Shannon said...

So pretty much what I could gather from this post is that you're not taking my "be cold" advice.

Candice said...

I also admire how you put yourself out there (not to quote every person to ever be on The Bachelor. Hey, you should try out for that show!)

Keep shining...
or fishing.

Angie said...

Keep fishing...he's out there! And he will be one lucky guy when you catch him!!!! I was thinking you were announcing a mission or something;)

Katherine Lewis said...

You should totally drop everything and just go serve a mission. That's the answer.

Ryan, Natalie, and Mae said...

Mae got a really great Barbie fishing pole this summer and it even comes with a rubber fish on the end, helping the fisher think they've actually caught something. I would let you borrow it, or even have it, because I think you could use it. know I come from the opposite end of the spectrum and found it hard to not be irritated by 90% of men. I think we should consider you lucky you haven't caught any sharks. Wait! I have an should fish for something else like Dolphins! Way more fun and they rarely hurt maybe get a cat until you find yourself in a tropical paradise, swimming around with your dolphin, and snorkeling looking at see life. Then go dock your boat on the lone island and wait for all the fish to jump into your net. Yes, that's it. That's what you should do.

Also, I sincerely just had tears I was laughing so hard. I don't know if you know this, but Ryan is very into finance so I've just loved the spin from my actual stupid finances into something way more fun to talk about. You even got Ryan to laugh. He says read the book called, "A Random Walk Down Wallstreet," and then cast your net off a very tall building there because that's where all the men are. Wall street. Wow, are you still reading this? Actually, are we still friends?